I Am NOT But I Know I AM

Book Report: I Am Not But I Know I Am

I am Rox. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am an aunt. I am a mentor. I am a leader. I am a founder. I am a fighter. I am a lyricist.

            But I am NOT.

            I am not the main character. I am not the lead role. I am not the star.

            But I know I AM.

            LouieGiglio’s “I Am Not But I Know I Am” crushed my perception of life and then built a new foundation of thinking. For years I chased money and fame, making all of my decisions based on what the world told me I needed. I was always reminded I had to look out for “number one” and never once realized that the worldly advice I was getting was good advice, we all just misunderstood who “number one” really was.

            I am not number one. I am not even close to number one. I will never be number one. So what’s the point of joining this rat race to number one if I will never get there? I’m not being pessimistic, I’m stating the facts. Number one is looking out for me, knows what’s best for me, and just wants me to understand that it’s not about being first… it’s about gaining everything by being last.

            I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to do something unless I’m the best at it, so coming to the realization that I’m really not the best at anything was a hard blow. Add on top of that the fact that all the abilities I do have are solely from one source, and that makes me feel pretty menial. So yes, the first lesson I had to learn was that I am practically useless on my own. What am I supposed to do with that information? I couldn’t exactly relate to Louie’s response of freedom to his epiphany that he was not in control of anything. It took a little more time and meditation for me… letting go of any semblance of notoriety in this world is no easy task.

            It took learning the second lesson for me to come to terms with the first; I AM is on my side. I AM is taking care of everything and all I have to do is put His words into action. My job here isn’t to strive to be the best, the first, or even the greatest. My job is to show people that I AM is. I AM is the answer to every question you may ever have. I can’t sit idly by and just live my life thinking that it’s all about me and I have to look out for myself, I have to look out for number one instead, and that is definitely not me. It’s I AM. My job is to make sure everyone realizes that I am not, and they are also not, in a loving way. And how can I ever convey the message that I am not I AM if I keep acting like I have control over every situation?

            I’ve learned to quit freaking out when something doesn’t go my way. I’ve learned that worries are normal but will get me nowhere. I’ve learned that this isn’t my world and I’m a tiny dot just doing my dot duty. Basically, I’ve learned I need to stop acting like I am God… because I am not. 

The Others

I’ve been slacking on writing. I know. I know. But I’m back with many apologies. Forgive me?

The holidays this year had their usual busy-body tone with me dragging myself all around three different towns to get three different sets of Christmas presents so as not to have to travel with tons of gifts. But the traveling is what really provided the story this year. There’s always something that hits me every Christmas season with a bit of bittersweet clarity about the world we live in. Most of the time these epiphanies come from being around or away from my family, but this year my lesson came from a family of strangers. 

As my big Christmas present this year my mom bought me plane tickets from Orlando to Newport News so I could come home for three weeks and spend time with my family and friends. As much as I travel, I still have horrible anxiety on planes, plus the fact that I’ve always had inner ear problems exacerbates the discomfort for me. This time I came prepared. I took a Dramamine and had a friend drive me to the airport because I knew it would kick in pretty quickly. Especially with my size Dramamine takes its toll… to the point where I barely remember the Orlando/Sanford airport. I remember having my hands wiped down with some liquid substance at the security checkpoint and asking the officer what it was for… and I can remember being patted down. I have no recollection of sitting and waiting for the plane but as soon as I stepped onto the plane I can’t explain why I zeroed in on the woman that I did. 

As I stood in the very front of the plane I watched a woman towards the back struggle to get mini-suitcases with cartoon characters all packed into the overhead compartment. She was holding up the entire line but I was too far away to help and I just watched in wonder as everyone in her vicinity just glared at her and rolled their eyes. Nobody offered to help. They just watched her struggle. She finally got situated and the row of people began to get to their seats. I walked back looking for my seat number and smiled softly when I realized I’d be sitting beside her. 

Even in my daze as I began to get comfortable in my seat I quickly pieced together her ordeal. She had a small child on her lap who she kept chiding in soft Spanish, and I quickly noticed the three children across the aisle begging their grandmother for help and how-to tips on buckling their seatbelts. She seemed to have it handled at that point so as the Dramamine did its job I pulled the brim of my hat down and tried to relax and nap while everyone else settled into their seats… but that baby in her lap was restless. The cutest little girl with café colored eyes was too excited to be buckled in. She had too much anticipation and amazement to sit still. Her grandmother trying to hold her down in her lap was not going to stop her, and so the screaming started. Quietly, and in Spanish, the grandmother talked to the little girl, “Mikayla, you see the lady with her hat down. She’s trying to sleep. If you keep crying she will wake-up and Pow-Pow you Mikayla. Entiende?” I moved my hat up and smiled at the little girl who was now looking at me like I was the boogie man. 

“Ha, you got her freaked out about me now” I commented to the woman. 

“Oh my goodness you know Spanish?!” she replied in embarrassment. 

I told her it was okay as the child began to try to climb over my lap to look out the window. “Is it ok if she sits in my lap so she can watch as we take off?” 

“If you’re sure it’s okay with you.” 

 

I let the little girl climb into my lap and I buckled her in with me. I started pointing out the tarmac, the palm trees in the distance, and the other planes. The grandmother handled the other kids and got them calmed down just in time for take-off. I won’t go into the details of the entire flight but I let the girl sit with me the entire time. She played with my phone, rocked my Hokies hat, and we snacked on oreos and apple juice. Her grandmother was back and forth down the aisle the entire flight taking the others to the bathroom. The Allegiant flight attendants treated this woman and her children like they were a burden. When she tried to order snacks for the kids they were rude and impatient with her. I caught one of them scowling at her at one point and made sure that she saw my disapproval when she made eye contact with me.

When we landed I thought that maybe my frustration with the crew on the flight and the other passengers would have ended but it was only about to get worse. The woman took the baby across the aisle so she could start getting their luggage down again. Once again she was a hindrance to everyone in their mindless rush. With all the people standing in between us I struggled to get her attention as I got began to put my backpack on. The man in the seat behind me grabbed my arm, “You’re my hero,” he said. 
“Excuse me?” I was so puzzled. 

He continued, “Thanks for taking care of that kid for the flight, she would’ve screamed the whole time and I wouldn’t have gotten any sleep!” I looked at him wondering if he was serious and then looked at his wife beside him who seemed to be in agreement with what he was saying. 

All I could say was “I do what I can.” and I had to turn my back before anything else came out of my mouth. I was so angry. None of these people cared that this elderly woman was trying to take care of four VERY young grandchildren on her own on their first flight. All they cared about was the fact that she was an inconvenience to them. As I watched, a flight attendant came scooting past the line and basically knocked right into one of the children. I finally caught eye contact with the grandmother and asked her if I could help her by taking the three youngest children with me up to the entrance while her and the oldest child got the rest of the luggage. She nodded at me, exasperated. I quickly scooped up the baby, grabbed the hand of the littlest girl, and told the little boy to hold onto his sister’s other hand. We got off the plane and out of the traffic of holiday hustlers. I stopped for a mere second to make sure the grandmother and oldest granddaughter were behind me and proceeded to take the kiddos to meet my mom at the gate. Needless to say, my mother had no idea WHAT was happening when she saw me toting three little ones. 

Anyway I tell you that story to tell you this; we weren’t put here to be in our own little world. We were put here with others to be in community. The flight attendants have a job to make sure people on that plane are satisfied, yet they wouldn't even help out an elderly woman in distress. In a “time of giving” as the holidays are so readily called, it was astounding to me to see that nobody would even give what was free; help. This woman wasn’t asking for a handout, she needed a strong arm, a smile, and probably some encouragement. Why was that so hard for everyone else on the plane? This year make your life about others. 

 A generous person will be made rich, and whoever satisfies others will himself be satisfied. –Proverbs 11:25

How To Love a Hedgehog

I've been slacking on writing, I know. But here's your update: I got a hedgehog. And he's teaching me...


I know it sounds really weird. How much can one actually learn from a hedgehog? They have quills, poop a lot, and generally aren't the most social of pets. I named him Ahijah (after the Prophet Ahijah the Shilonite from the Bible) but since autocorrect on my phone keeps changing it to Shikar it has become an understanding in our house that he goes by both names. Ahijah Shikar. Word.


Ahijah has opened my eyes in the past few weeks as I've been discussing the concept of love with some of my closest friends. Let me just go ahead and get this out in the open: I don't understand love. I don't understand God's love, I don't understand love in marriage, nor do I understand love in friendships. Not to say that I don't love because I'll be the first person to tell you I basically love everyone. I just want a definition of love. What is love? How do you show it and know that the person you're showing it to will understand? 


My parents weren't really affectionate towards each other when they were married. Most of the friends I grew up with have fallen off the radar. The one guy that I gave up everything for chose an addiction over me. So with no clear concept of love how am I supposed to understand that this Creator I've never met really loves me? I know people love me, but I don't see it. Please don't misunderstand this as me being ungrateful I'm just saying that I'm that kid that doesn't recognize when someone truly cares because I've never really had a good example. 

Ahijah Shikar is a lot like me. I love this cute little creature with a dark hidden face, weird feet, and quills. To show him love I care for him, feed him, shelter him, bathe him, talk to him, sing to him, and buy him toys. But I have to wear a glove to pick him up because he's scared of me. Hedgehogs curl into a ball when they're scared so that their quills will stand upright and poke whatever is bothering them. No matter how much I care for him, he still gets scared every time I pick him up. He doesn't mean to hurt me, he's just protecting himself.


I don't mean to hurt the people that care about me. I'm just protecting myself. When anyone comes around my wall is up. I'm scared of being hurt so I question intentions, push to see how much it will take before someone walks away, and prepare myself for the worst case scenario. It has happened so many times in the past, so why wouldn't it happen now? Changing this thought process is one of the more difficult tasks in my life. 


Tony Gaskins and Urban D gave a great talk last week on love. Love is to nurture, provide, protect, and cherish. Now this, I can understand. But it will still take time to be able to recognize when this is happening. It will also take time to break down the beliefs the world has put into my head of what love is. Love is not the same as lust. They're two opposite beings that are commonly confused. Today's society tells girls to sleep with guys they barely know for validation and that hopefully, one day, they'll get a ring out of the deal. More often than not they get an STD, a baby, or a broken heart.


Ladies, know your worth. Guys, man up and stop acting like grown boys. God put us on this earth to build each other up not tear each other down. Pleasure only brings pain in the long run so stop running to lust because you're hurting that person AND yourself. And stop depending on people who don't really care about you and are just using you to fulfill their "wants". 


PS-I would definitely recommend that everyone follow Tony Gaskins on Twitter. He keeps it real, honest, and understandable for guys and girls.   


If they can't be there in the down time then they shouldn't be there in the high times. -Tony Gaskins 

A Season of Rest

James 5:17 starts out by saying "Elijah was as human as we are..." in context the writer is saying that even though Elijah was an average, everyday guy, he still got to fight for God. He knew that God had his back because he had been filled with the Spirit, he had heard God's voice, and he had seen miracles performed. Yet Elijah still got discouraged. And that's where I come in. Because when I read "Elijah was as human as we are..." all I can think is that it's saying even though all these amazing God-things happened to him... that doesn't mean he's going to turn around and be worry-free.

Pastor Craig went over the four reasons why Elijah was discouraged and I made sure to take each point and really apply it to the things happening in my life right now. Why have I been so discouraged the past few weeks?

-Fatigue: I have been mentally and physically exhausted. I haven't taken any time for myself even when I've told others that I would. I haven't spent time reading. I haven't spent nearly as much time lately praying. I haven't taken time to rest because I didn't want to let anyone down. Resolution: To start saying "no" and really stick with it. Spend lots of time in prayer about what I should and shouldn't be involved in. Go to bed earlier!

-No friends: I miss my friends at home but this is really the one area that I didn't feel applied to me. I have an awesome group of friends who pray for me, support me, and encourage me. I prayed a few weeks ago that God would remove any toxic relationships in my life and all the people that had been the main sources of distress, worry, and discontent seemed to just fall off the grid. People that had been in the background really started to emerge and relationships I had already built became stronger. Resolution: Keep praying and spend quality time with the board of directors of my life.

-Fear: I'm not one to be negative, but I am very sensitive to negativity around me. I easily pick up other people's tension and stress and carry it myself. I can hold onto hope the rest of my life but when I hear others complain about not having faith, or God being unfair, or even just heavily venting it really takes a toll. I start to fall into the same rabbit hole. Resolution: Lessen the time I spend around people who drain me. Stay in God's word. Increase the time I spend with God and people who aren't wavered by their circumstances.

-Perceived Failure: I'm so scared that I won't get this nonprofit up and running God's way. Just because I can't see His entire plan I get freaked out when it seems that something I thought should've happened already hasn't happened on my time. I can be a failure to my family, to my old friends, and to the world... I'm okay with that. If I'm a failure in God's eyes... that would break my heart. Resolution: Be patient. Understand that my schedule is not the same as God's. Understand that the way I think things will play out is not necessarily how God wants it to happen. Persevere. No. Matter. What.


Pastor Tommy's sermon that same night really reiterated everything to me. So often lately I'm the mentor to everyone and I'm the shoulder to lean on. But I've felt like I had nobody to guide and mentor me. So I'll continue to pray for that. But at one point he was saying "God has chosen you. God is about to do amazing things through you to change this city and to change this world. God has filled you with His spirit. You have to have faith that your obedience will pay off." And even though I know he was speaking to the entire congregation I couldn't hold in the tears. I've been needing to hear that for so long. I've been so discouraged from being obedient and not seeing MY expectations met of what I thought was supposed to be done by now. As we listened to Benjah perform later that night I really just allowed myself to get lost in the music for a minute and stop worrying about everything going on around me. I had spent different pockets of my day with Ilene, Darla, Mario, Megan, Amy, Jamie, and the Davila crew and really just realized how blessed I was to have these people in my life on such a hectic Sunday. God has sent me the people I need and who need me, and taken away the people who were eating away at my peace.

Resolution: Don't commit to anything until January. Spend the next two months with God, family, and friends. Take a good look at myself and what I hope to accomplish for God in 2012. Love on the children in my life. Tidy up. Lean on God. Realize that I am only human and I will get discouraged too. But know that when I do start feeling like that, I have people to talk to and God to listen.

In one word...

I love dinners with my friends back home in Virginia. I love sitting around the table and enjoying a bottle of wine and plates of amazing food. Whenever I’m in town we all catch up for one night at my favorite restaurant and it has become a tradition I look forward to no matter what it is that’s bringing me home. A few weeks ago while we were dining, conversation turned to the guys I had dated in the past. If you ask my friends to sum up every guy I’ve dated in one word they all agree on “worthless”. Ouch. What does this say about my character if the men I’ve chosen to spend my time and energy on are all considered worthless to my friends? It’s not the first time I had heard that… it started in high school, but it’s astounding to me that years down the road I have many new friends that still have that same word in common when describing guys I’ve been interested in… worthless.

This past Sunday I was at Crossover and Pastor Tommy was speaking about Paul’s letters from jail. In Philippians 3:7-8 he tells everyone in Philippi “These things that I once considered valuable, I now consider worthless for Christ. It’s far more than that! I consider everything else worthless because I’m much better off knowing Christ Jesus my Lord! It’s because of him that I think of everything as worthless. I threw it all away in order to gain Christ.”

There it was again! Worthless! But in hearing this it occurred to me that I can’t be so hard on myself. Everything I ever strived for that wasn’t Christ-centered was, in fact, worthless! The money, the fame, the guys… worthless! So I really dove into the Bible and wanted to find out more about what was worthless so I could just avoid it from now on or even just how to pray for wisdom of what is worthless in my father’s eyes. This is what I found:

Turn my eyes away from worthless things. Give me a new life in your ways. –Psalm 119:37

The tongue of a righteous person is pure silver. The hearts of wicked people are worthless. –Proverbs 10:20

A worthless person plots trouble, and his speech is like a burning fire. –Proverbs 16:27  

As if all of this wasn’t enough, I found Job 15:31 – “He shouldn’t trust in worthless things and deceive himself because he will get worthless things in return.” – and it hit me like a brick! All these years I put all my effort into getting things or people that I thought would complete me or make me greater. Christ is the only one who can do that. With every little gift he has given me lately it just adds onto my recognition that everything else is so worthless. My friend, Megan, will be the first to tell you I’m still learning… but it’s all so worth it in the end.

Stop going after worthless worldly things. Just because everyone is saying it’s better for you to have something or be with someone doesn’t mean that’s true. Find the truth in the words written in red. Every job I ever took because it would make me lots of money: Worthless. Every outfit I ever bought to turn somebody’s head: Worthless. Every ambition I ever had that was solely focused on pride and vengeance: Worthless. Every guy I ever dated without seriously considering God’s will for me: Worthless. Knowing that I’m being obedient, walking with my father on a daily basis, and patiently waiting while I rest in faith that all things will work for his glory: Priceless.

I knew you... I set you apart

            Lately I’ve been feeling overwhelmed. It’s like God gave me this vision but I feel like I’m so ill-equipped to carry it out. What do I know about a nonprofit? What do I know about foster kids? How much could I have really ever learned about construction for only working in the business less than a year?

          I’m not one to usually doubt myself and especially not God, but the last three weeks have really played into every insecurity I could possibly have. I keep telling God I can’t do this and He keeps sending others to affirm the vision. I even had a talk with my mom the other week to ask her to not question anything I was doing but to constantly encourage me and pray for me. I’m doubting myself enough and I don’t need anyone else to even hint at my insufficiencies. Why would God want me to start and run a nonprofit when the only business I’ve ever run was a nightclub? Maybe He was preparing me for the drama.

          I was reading the first chapter of Jeremiah this morning and I knew God was speaking to me. Jeremiah 1:5 says “Before I formed you in the womb, I knew you. Before you were born, I set you apart for my holy purpose. I appointed you to be a prophet to the nations.” As I read this it occurred to me how crazy it is that I’ve wanted to adopt kids since I was in preschool. What four year old do you know that even grasps the concept of adoption? God knew before I was born that He would show me this vision one day – God has already appointed me to this nonprofit.

          As I read Jeremiah 1:6-8 it became clearer, “I, Jeremiah, said, ‘Almighty Lord, I do not know how to speak. I am only a boy!’ But the Lord said to me, ‘Don’t say that you are only a boy. You will go wherever I send you. You will say whatever I command you to say. Don’t be afraid of people. I am with you, and I will rescue you,’ declares the Lord.” Here I was thinking the whole time that it was all self-doubt and I realized that my insecurity wasn’t the main problem! It was me worrying that other people would doubt and judge me along the way. People can say what they want about me not having experience or about me being the crazy girl with dreams, it’s never stopped me before and now that God is behind me why should it stop me this time?

          So I’m preparing myself. I’m putting on the full armor that God has given me and I’m not giving up. In fact, if I hadn’t had this vision I probably wouldn’t have ever thought that I could do this, but God showed me His promise and what it is that He wants me to work toward. He told me in Jeremiah 1:19, “They will fight you, but they will not defeat you. I am with you, and I will rescue you…” No matter what has you doubting yourself lately, and no matter the opposition that crosses your path, know that God will rescue you. He knows exactly where He’s taking you, and so what if people judge you or gossip about you or the enemy stands in your way… they will not defeat you.

What's in a Ring?

I'm not the type to wear jewelry. Each piece of jewelry that I wear more often than not has a meaning. Usually you'll see me with my Easter cross necklace my mom gave me, my Alzheimer's necklace in support of Mema and Granddaddy, a bracelet from my mom that reads "The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams", my baptism ring, and two silly bands for my favorite college and pro football teams. Everything is pretty no frills.


A few months ago I decided I wanted a purity ring and found the perfect one for $10 on ShopSCAD. It was called "Waiting" and had a Mona Lisa-esque face on it with filigree on the sides. My mom got it for me and two weeks later it cracked in half. I was heartbroken. Yes it was cheap. Yes I only had it for a short time. But the significance behind the ring meant everything to me and to have it lying in the palm of my hand in two pieces gave me a distinct feeling of desolation. 
      des-o-la-tion (n): -a state of complete emptiness or destruction
                               -anguished misery or loneliness
      synonyms: devastation - havoc - ravage - destruction - solitude


I know! I know! I sound totally dramatic right now! How could a plastic ring breaking make me feel totally empty? Because it was more than plastic. It meant something. There was significance. There was a powerful reason I was wearing it and when the ring broke part of me felt like the reasoning was gone too. 


Up to that point I had never really felt like that about a piece of jewelry and I still didn't really understand why I was so emotional about it. But this past week I was thrown into the pit yet again by ANOTHER piece of bling. 


When my dad's side of the family started having kids it was boy after boy after beautiful baby boy. My nanny and my granny (my dad's grandmother and mother) set-up a deal... the first granddaughter would get both of their engagement rings. And guess who came along... my first word ended up being "pretty" because all I ever heard from any of them was "pretty girl".


Nanny died when I was around seven years old, and Granny continued to call me her first granddaughter rather than my name half the time. It was a badge I was happy to wear... even though she only ended up having two granddaughters. I've known about the ring deal practically my whole life and had a plan that if my granny passed away before I was engaged that I wanted the two diamonds to be included in my own engagement ring. When I heard that Granny passed away last week it occurred to me that I could use her ring as a substitute for the plastic purity ring that had broken not long before. What would be more perfect than wearing my granny's diamond in remembrance of her and as a promise to God? She would be proud, right?


One of the first things my dad said when we got to Virginia was "Granny didn't leave you her ring in the will. But here's this one." He handed me a sterling silver ring with a marquise cut jewel on it. It could be a diamond... but it's doubtful. And as the days passed, the resentment thickened. It seemed my granny had all but crossed me off the will, leaving me a box of quarters. My other female cousin got practically everything my granny had ever told me would be handed down to my daughters and me. I even found out the gold "Y" pin that my dad had given me as a consolation of sorts was actually supposed to go to my sister-in-law... so I handed it over.


As for the ring I got. Nobody knows the story behind it. It might be from some guy who Granny was engaged to before she eventually broke off the engagement and then he passed away. Or it could be from this other guy; a man that my dad and my aunts avoid talking about who was also engaged to Granny... a man that may or may not have intentionally burned down half of my granny's house many years ago. So I have this ring that I don't really know what it is or what it signifies, and the desolate feeling is back. Please don't misunderstand me. It wasn't about having something worth some amount of money - it was about having something that MEANT something to my granny. Something significant. Something with a reason behind it. It seems that every hypothesis of this ring I wear has a negative connotation. This is what I'm left with.


For some reason I can't take it off. I act like I don't want it. It hurts me so badly and there's a sting of rejection every time I twirl it on my finger, but I know there has to be some lesson in this. So for now I'll wear the "reject ring" and wonder what the story is behind it. Maybe I'll still wear it as my purity ring, a ring I'll be more than happy to trade in when the day comes. Genesis 41:51 says: Joseph named his firstborn Manasseh and said, “It is because God has made me forget all my trouble and all my father’s household.” Maybe when I have a ring of my own, that will be my Manasseh... to forget the hurt, rejection, and desolation of the ring before it. Because even if my husband gives me a ring made of straw, I'll know I'm worth more to him than a box of quarters.