Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Monday, February 13, 2012
I Am NOT But I Know I AM
Book Report: I Am Not But I Know I Am
I am Rox. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am an aunt. I am a mentor. I am a leader. I am a founder. I am a fighter. I am a lyricist.
But I am NOT.
I am not the main character. I am not the lead role. I am not the star.
But I know I AM.
LouieGiglio’s “I Am Not But I Know I Am” crushed my perception of life and then built a new foundation of thinking. For years I chased money and fame, making all of my decisions based on what the world told me I needed. I was always reminded I had to look out for “number one” and never once realized that the worldly advice I was getting was good advice, we all just misunderstood who “number one” really was.
I am not number one. I am not even close to number one. I will never be number one. So what’s the point of joining this rat race to number one if I will never get there? I’m not being pessimistic, I’m stating the facts. Number one is looking out for me, knows what’s best for me, and just wants me to understand that it’s not about being first… it’s about gaining everything by being last.
It took learning the second lesson for me to come to terms with the first; I AM is on my side. I AM is taking care of everything and all I have to do is put His words into action. My job here isn’t to strive to be the best, the first, or even the greatest. My job is to show people that I AM is. I AM is the answer to every question you may ever have. I can’t sit idly by and just live my life thinking that it’s all about me and I have to look out for myself, I have to look out for number one instead, and that is definitely not me. It’s I AM. My job is to make sure everyone realizes that I am not, and they are also not, in a loving way. And how can I ever convey the message that I am not I AM if I keep acting like I have control over every situation?
I’ve learned to quit freaking out when something doesn’t go my way. I’ve learned that worries are normal but will get me nowhere. I’ve learned that this isn’t my world and I’m a tiny dot just doing my dot duty. Basically, I’ve learned I need to stop acting like I am God… because I am not.
Friday, January 20, 2012
The Others
I’ve been slacking on writing. I know. I know. But I’m back with many apologies. Forgive me?
The holidays this year had their usual busy-body tone with me dragging myself all around three different towns to get three different sets of Christmas presents so as not to have to travel with tons of gifts. But the traveling is what really provided the story this year. There’s always something that hits me every Christmas season with a bit of bittersweet clarity about the world we live in. Most of the time these epiphanies come from being around or away from my family, but this year my lesson came from a family of strangers.
As my big Christmas present this year my mom bought me plane tickets from Orlando to Newport News so I could come home for three weeks and spend time with my family and friends. As much as I travel, I still have horrible anxiety on planes, plus the fact that I’ve always had inner ear problems exacerbates the discomfort for me. This time I came prepared. I took a Dramamine and had a friend drive me to the airport because I knew it would kick in pretty quickly. Especially with my size Dramamine takes its toll… to the point where I barely remember the Orlando/Sanford airport. I remember having my hands wiped down with some liquid substance at the security checkpoint and asking the officer what it was for… and I can remember being patted down. I have no recollection of sitting and waiting for the plane but as soon as I stepped onto the plane I can’t explain why I zeroed in on the woman that I did.
As I stood in the very front of the plane I watched a woman towards the back struggle to get mini-suitcases with cartoon characters all packed into the overhead compartment. She was holding up the entire line but I was too far away to help and I just watched in wonder as everyone in her vicinity just glared at her and rolled their eyes. Nobody offered to help. They just watched her struggle. She finally got situated and the row of people began to get to their seats. I walked back looking for my seat number and smiled softly when I realized I’d be sitting beside her.
Even in my daze as I began to get comfortable in my seat I quickly pieced together her ordeal. She had a small child on her lap who she kept chiding in soft Spanish, and I quickly noticed the three children across the aisle begging their grandmother for help and how-to tips on buckling their seatbelts. She seemed to have it handled at that point so as the Dramamine did its job I pulled the brim of my hat down and tried to relax and nap while everyone else settled into their seats… but that baby in her lap was restless. The cutest little girl with café colored eyes was too excited to be buckled in. She had too much anticipation and amazement to sit still. Her grandmother trying to hold her down in her lap was not going to stop her, and so the screaming started. Quietly, and in Spanish, the grandmother talked to the little girl, “Mikayla, you see the lady with her hat down. She’s trying to sleep. If you keep crying she will wake-up and Pow-Pow you Mikayla. Entiende?” I moved my hat up and smiled at the little girl who was now looking at me like I was the boogie man.
“Ha, you got her freaked out about me now” I commented to the woman.
“Oh my goodness you know Spanish?!” she replied in embarrassment.
I told her it was okay as the child began to try to climb over my lap to look out the window. “Is it ok if she sits in my lap so she can watch as we take off?”
“If you’re sure it’s okay with you.”
I let the little girl climb into my lap and I buckled her in with me. I started pointing out the tarmac, the palm trees in the distance, and the other planes. The grandmother handled the other kids and got them calmed down just in time for take-off. I won’t go into the details of the entire flight but I let the girl sit with me the entire time. She played with my phone, rocked my Hokies hat, and we snacked on oreos and apple juice. Her grandmother was back and forth down the aisle the entire flight taking the others to the bathroom. The Allegiant flight attendants treated this woman and her children like they were a burden. When she tried to order snacks for the kids they were rude and impatient with her. I caught one of them scowling at her at one point and made sure that she saw my disapproval when she made eye contact with me. “Excuse me?” I was so puzzled.
He continued, “Thanks for taking care of that kid for the flight, she would’ve screamed the whole time and I wouldn’t have gotten any sleep!” I looked at him wondering if he was serious and then looked at his wife beside him who seemed to be in agreement with what he was saying.
Anyway I tell you that story to tell you this; we weren’t put here to be in our own little world. We were put here with others to be in community. The flight attendants have a job to make sure people on that plane are satisfied, yet they wouldn't even help out an elderly woman in distress. In a “time of giving” as the holidays are so readily called, it was astounding to me to see that nobody would even give what was free; help. This woman wasn’t asking for a handout, she needed a strong arm, a smile, and probably some encouragement. Why was that so hard for everyone else on the plane? This year make your life about others.
Monday, December 5, 2011
How To Love a Hedgehog
I've been slacking on writing, I know. But here's your update: I got a hedgehog. And he's teaching me...
I know it sounds really weird. How much can one actually learn from a hedgehog? They have quills, poop a lot, and generally aren't the most social of pets. I named him Ahijah (after the Prophet Ahijah the Shilonite from the Bible) but since autocorrect on my phone keeps changing it to Shikar it has become an understanding in our house that he goes by both names. Ahijah Shikar. Word.
Ahijah has opened my eyes in the past few weeks as I've been discussing the concept of love with some of my closest friends. Let me just go ahead and get this out in the open: I don't understand love. I don't understand God's love, I don't understand love in marriage, nor do I understand love in friendships. Not to say that I don't love because I'll be the first person to tell you I basically love everyone. I just want a definition of love. What is love? How do you show it and know that the person you're showing it to will understand?
My parents weren't really affectionate towards each other when they were married. Most of the friends I grew up with have fallen off the radar. The one guy that I gave up everything for chose an addiction over me. So with no clear concept of love how am I supposed to understand that this Creator I've never met really loves me? I know people love me, but I don't see it. Please don't misunderstand this as me being ungrateful I'm just saying that I'm that kid that doesn't recognize when someone truly cares because I've never really had a good example.
Ahijah Shikar is a lot like me. I love this cute little creature with a dark hidden face, weird feet, and quills. To show him love I care for him, feed him, shelter him, bathe him, talk to him, sing to him, and buy him toys. But I have to wear a glove to pick him up because he's scared of me. Hedgehogs curl into a ball when they're scared so that their quills will stand upright and poke whatever is bothering them. No matter how much I care for him, he still gets scared every time I pick him up. He doesn't mean to hurt me, he's just protecting himself.
I don't mean to hurt the people that care about me. I'm just protecting myself. When anyone comes around my wall is up. I'm scared of being hurt so I question intentions, push to see how much it will take before someone walks away, and prepare myself for the worst case scenario. It has happened so many times in the past, so why wouldn't it happen now? Changing this thought process is one of the more difficult tasks in my life.
Tony Gaskins and Urban D gave a great talk last week on love. Love is to nurture, provide, protect, and cherish. Now this, I can understand. But it will still take time to be able to recognize when this is happening. It will also take time to break down the beliefs the world has put into my head of what love is. Love is not the same as lust. They're two opposite beings that are commonly confused. Today's society tells girls to sleep with guys they barely know for validation and that hopefully, one day, they'll get a ring out of the deal. More often than not they get an STD, a baby, or a broken heart.
Ladies, know your worth. Guys, man up and stop acting like grown boys. God put us on this earth to build each other up not tear each other down. Pleasure only brings pain in the long run so stop running to lust because you're hurting that person AND yourself. And stop depending on people who don't really care about you and are just using you to fulfill their "wants".
PS-I would definitely recommend that everyone follow Tony Gaskins on Twitter. He keeps it real, honest, and understandable for guys and girls.
If they can't be there in the down time then they shouldn't be there in the high times. -Tony Gaskins
I know it sounds really weird. How much can one actually learn from a hedgehog? They have quills, poop a lot, and generally aren't the most social of pets. I named him Ahijah (after the Prophet Ahijah the Shilonite from the Bible) but since autocorrect on my phone keeps changing it to Shikar it has become an understanding in our house that he goes by both names. Ahijah Shikar. Word.
Ahijah has opened my eyes in the past few weeks as I've been discussing the concept of love with some of my closest friends. Let me just go ahead and get this out in the open: I don't understand love. I don't understand God's love, I don't understand love in marriage, nor do I understand love in friendships. Not to say that I don't love because I'll be the first person to tell you I basically love everyone. I just want a definition of love. What is love? How do you show it and know that the person you're showing it to will understand?
My parents weren't really affectionate towards each other when they were married. Most of the friends I grew up with have fallen off the radar. The one guy that I gave up everything for chose an addiction over me. So with no clear concept of love how am I supposed to understand that this Creator I've never met really loves me? I know people love me, but I don't see it. Please don't misunderstand this as me being ungrateful I'm just saying that I'm that kid that doesn't recognize when someone truly cares because I've never really had a good example.
I don't mean to hurt the people that care about me. I'm just protecting myself. When anyone comes around my wall is up. I'm scared of being hurt so I question intentions, push to see how much it will take before someone walks away, and prepare myself for the worst case scenario. It has happened so many times in the past, so why wouldn't it happen now? Changing this thought process is one of the more difficult tasks in my life.
Tony Gaskins and Urban D gave a great talk last week on love. Love is to nurture, provide, protect, and cherish. Now this, I can understand. But it will still take time to be able to recognize when this is happening. It will also take time to break down the beliefs the world has put into my head of what love is. Love is not the same as lust. They're two opposite beings that are commonly confused. Today's society tells girls to sleep with guys they barely know for validation and that hopefully, one day, they'll get a ring out of the deal. More often than not they get an STD, a baby, or a broken heart.
Ladies, know your worth. Guys, man up and stop acting like grown boys. God put us on this earth to build each other up not tear each other down. Pleasure only brings pain in the long run so stop running to lust because you're hurting that person AND yourself. And stop depending on people who don't really care about you and are just using you to fulfill their "wants".
PS-I would definitely recommend that everyone follow Tony Gaskins on Twitter. He keeps it real, honest, and understandable for guys and girls.
If they can't be there in the down time then they shouldn't be there in the high times. -Tony Gaskins
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