Monday, February 13, 2012

I Am NOT But I Know I AM

Book Report: I Am Not But I Know I Am

I am Rox. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am an aunt. I am a mentor. I am a leader. I am a founder. I am a fighter. I am a lyricist.

            But I am NOT.

            I am not the main character. I am not the lead role. I am not the star.

            But I know I AM.

            LouieGiglio’s “I Am Not But I Know I Am” crushed my perception of life and then built a new foundation of thinking. For years I chased money and fame, making all of my decisions based on what the world told me I needed. I was always reminded I had to look out for “number one” and never once realized that the worldly advice I was getting was good advice, we all just misunderstood who “number one” really was.

            I am not number one. I am not even close to number one. I will never be number one. So what’s the point of joining this rat race to number one if I will never get there? I’m not being pessimistic, I’m stating the facts. Number one is looking out for me, knows what’s best for me, and just wants me to understand that it’s not about being first… it’s about gaining everything by being last.

            I’m the type of person who doesn’t like to do something unless I’m the best at it, so coming to the realization that I’m really not the best at anything was a hard blow. Add on top of that the fact that all the abilities I do have are solely from one source, and that makes me feel pretty menial. So yes, the first lesson I had to learn was that I am practically useless on my own. What am I supposed to do with that information? I couldn’t exactly relate to Louie’s response of freedom to his epiphany that he was not in control of anything. It took a little more time and meditation for me… letting go of any semblance of notoriety in this world is no easy task.

            It took learning the second lesson for me to come to terms with the first; I AM is on my side. I AM is taking care of everything and all I have to do is put His words into action. My job here isn’t to strive to be the best, the first, or even the greatest. My job is to show people that I AM is. I AM is the answer to every question you may ever have. I can’t sit idly by and just live my life thinking that it’s all about me and I have to look out for myself, I have to look out for number one instead, and that is definitely not me. It’s I AM. My job is to make sure everyone realizes that I am not, and they are also not, in a loving way. And how can I ever convey the message that I am not I AM if I keep acting like I have control over every situation?

            I’ve learned to quit freaking out when something doesn’t go my way. I’ve learned that worries are normal but will get me nowhere. I’ve learned that this isn’t my world and I’m a tiny dot just doing my dot duty. Basically, I’ve learned I need to stop acting like I am God… because I am not. 

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