Tuesday, October 2, 2012

Who Will I Become

I never would have imagined myself here in this place. I always thought that by twenty seven I'd be living in New York or Los Angeles, maybe even Puerto Rico or London and running my own bar or acting, or singing, or on tour... I'd be taking shots every night, partying at the clubs, meeting celebrities, doing it all... just not this. And not here. I never would have thought at my age that I'd be a nanny, on a farm, in Florida. And I would have laughed in your face and scoffed at your ignorance had you tried to tell me ten... maybe even three years ago that I'd eventually become who I am; the pastor's lady.

In my childhood I can remember pastor's wives being strict, snobby, and "judgy". They didn't really have anything to do with a kid like me whose parents weren't the most active members. In fact, the church I got baptized in at fourteen... I couldn't tell you my pastor's wife's name or even what she looked like. But I guess that's better than me having bad memories of her.

The pastor's wives from then on out have been nice enough, but I never would have put myself in that category. They always seemed... gentile... and put-together, and those words do NOT describe me. But here I am, with a boyfriend who is starting his youth ministry position tomorrow, and where he goes I go. I feel unworthy, ill-prepared, and insecure. God has taken me from being poor, blind, and naked to putting me in a place of leadership in the church. I feel like another Jonah ready to run from God and I keep asking Him if He's sure I can do this. I am the doubting Gideon pleading for one more sign, I DO have a fleece blanket I could lay out tonight now that I think about it.

But His answer keeps coming back YES, and I still keep doubting myself and God's will. But He spoke to me last night through Rev C when he said "If God is telling you to do something, just do it, don't ask questions. It may not make sense now but you don't know what He's doing so just be obedient."

Okay okay God, I get it. Send me and I will go. I have no idea what's going on, but maybe that's the beauty of it all. All I ask is that all of you keep Javie and me in your prayers that we can lead this ministry as God sees fit and that He molds me into His idea of a humble, hard working, and loving pastor's wife.

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