The hardest part is the disappointment. I didn't want to let my husband down and the financial burden fall on him, I didn't want to let my boss and close family friend down who was counting on me, I wanted to prove everyone wrong who doubted me in this position. And I certainly didn't want to admit I wasn't capable of excelling.
|Hubby is happy to be alive-I am clearly worried about the car|
Rewind a little to Labor Day weekend and picture my beautiful Scion XB t-boning a chevy pickup. Cue the panic attacks. A woman ran a stop sign and now I have no transportation. My first new car, the car I put hundreds of thousands of miles on in only 5 years, the car that took us away from our wedding and to our honeymoon suite, the car I thought we'd be transporting our children in... it's gone. And the whole time I'm asking God why we, His servants, are now in a rut, while this woman barely has a scratch on her door. And God replied "Because it's the one material thing you took the most pride in, and I'm freeing you from that." Ouch. Of course He's right. He's God. And I get it. But it sucks.
So my boss took me out to lunch to discuss my very apparent struggle with this job. I was very honest with him about how much of a failure I was turning out to be. He asked what my real dream was and I started going on and on about Raising Shiloh; the non-profit I want to start to help teens that age out of the foster care system. So he said he'd like to help, and pretty much fired me on the spot. Goodbye to one stress, hello to a whole new anxiety.
So once again I talk to my go-to guy... "C'mon God, you've got to be kidding me right? What are we going to do with only one stable income? How am I going to find a job without a car to drive?" and once again a very calm reply came. "You said you'd give up anything I asked. I've shut the door for you to do my calling. Depend on me and I will provide."
Not that I don't have full faith, but ya'll I am SCARED. I'm only 3 days in to not really having a job and I feel like I'm a teetering mess. Push me one way and I'm manic and excited to get this thing DONE! I'm about to do God's work for His glory and there will be kids whose lives are changed in the meantime! Push me the other way and I'm insecure, distrusting, and unable to control the tears and anxiety-ridden worries.
So my question is this; do we get out of the boat and walk on water, or stay where's it's "safe" because we're too scared to drown in a sea of ugly? I think we, as Christians, keep having this expectation that things are supposed to be comfortable and only mildly challenging. We think that because we're living for God and striving to be righteous that things should go the way WE want them to, life should be beautiful. But really, God has called us to notice the ugliness in the world and do something about. And on top of that, there are no guarantees that we won't get hurt while doing it. In fact, it's more likely that we will be persecuted AND hated while doing His work. AND EVEN HARDER, we're supposed to REJOICE and BE GLAD while all of this is happening. Let me tell ya'll, I haven't gotten to the rejoicing and being glad yet. But I know it will come.
Please pray for my husband and me. Pray for his ministry to thrive and that we see students coming closer to Christ.Pray that our home life is a safe haven from everything going on in the outside world and that our finances are used wisely.
Please pray that God provides for my soon-to-be non-profit and that the right people are put in my path to help me on this rigorous journey. Pray that funding comes through to start it and to run it. Pray that volunteers find US! Pray that this business card isn't the only thing I ever do to get this thing going. And most importantly, pray that God's will (not mine) be done.
He didn’t doubt God’s promise out of a lack of faith. Instead, giving honor to God for the promise, he became strong because of faith -Romans 4:20 (GWT)
Almighty Lord, you are God, and your words are trustworthy. You promised me this good thing. -2 Samuel 7:28 (GWT)